Not knowing where you belong.

I have lived in a weird way since I am back from New Zealand and our Road trip around the Pacific Ocean. I spent more time in my car than at my house.

I talk quite often on the social medias or here on the blog about how terrible I feel each time I am back to France. You can think that feeling will go away, it is just a “post-trip depression”, time to adjust to the old life again. But the fact is, it is still hard after six months. I guess this time was harder than the others because of a few reasons.

First one would be that I never got to readjust in the first place. I went home and within two or three weeks, I found a job that allowed me to work remotely, I went to work from Spain where my family was, then I went to visit my friends in New York City and Montréal, still working remotely. And then I came back.

That is when Alexis and I went different ways. I never talked about it here or on social media but some of you might have guessed.

Truth is, we had a hard time during the trip, it was fine at first, but I guess six months just seeing each other was too tough. Australia in particular. Don’t look for someone to blame, I guess it is a little on both of us, maybe more my fault but the result is the same.

We had been together for three years, I even think I really started to take the blog seriously after we were together. We lived so many adventures together. It was hard thinking we might not talk ever again. Who could I remember the most adventurous year and a half of my life with? But it is all good now. We know we have different paths we want to follow.

That was also part of the decision. This summer I went back to Canada for a month and it felt at home. More at home than home. I think that’s where I should thank my friend @neil for hosting me and supporting me for that long.

Montréal is in my heart forever. From the first time I went there to last summer, each time I have the same feeling that I belong there. But then again, I left three times already. My fault or not, I always end up wanting to go back.

The third reason is the developer job I got in a start-up. The job I had was great for most of the time. I spent a lot of time trying to fix what was broken, suggesting things that were not really listened to but I got to develop an android app from start to finish (with some help from a very dear friend of New Zealand). Another problem with the job was that I did a return trip from Normandy (where my parents live and where I live) to Paris every week to go work a few days with them. Takes a lot of time, energy and money. I got tired of not undoing my suitcase I guess. More over, we were waiting for some money to come through so she could pay me but she decided not to pay me, so I worked for six months, did uncounted return trips for nothing…

It really hit me in the face. It was a tough one to overcome. I trusted her with my time, my work and my money and she just rolled me over like the past six months never existed. I lost faith in the start-up system and in the French people too. I though she was trustworthy, I thought a lot of things but I wasn’t expecting this. I questioned my whole entrepreneur life after that. I never really made it as an independent developper. I never found interesting jobs, I got ****** when I found one and I was denied a Canadian visa once because beeing a Freelancer was not a job so it didn’t count in their points system or something. Yeah, I guess it is not for everyone.

A fourth reason would be my friends. I left some very good friends in New Zealand that I wish I could see every day. I met again with my closest friends in France and in Canada and the US. I want to keep everyone in my life but it is hard to do it. I would want to offer more than just messaging and I am trying. Though when you come back, you realize your friends at home have go on with their lives and it is not the path I am heading towards to right now. They are starting families for most of them (and I am so happy for them) but again, I feel aside, like I messed up something with my life. I don’t know where I belong, with who I belong, I just know my future is not here, in this country that failed me and broke the faith in Humanity that I found in New Zealand, Australia, Japan and Canada.

Yeah, you can say the end of the year was tough for me and with a lot of questioning.

Hopefully, I had a job offer in Canada!! I have been waiting for the answer on the visa (a working visa, not the working holiday) for a while now and I am going crazy since I am not working anymore and that the holidays are over. I can’t wait now.

Please, cross your fingers for me. Maybe it will help get the answer sooner, and a positive one. I know I am breaking my family’s heart (again) and my french friends too but if I don’t take care of mine, no one will for me.